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Leading up to our daughter’s RAD diagnosis

Our daughter was admitted for the very first time into a behavioral hospital after she broke my wrist. It was a very emotional experience. As a parent you don’t want to believe that your child is a danger to their shelf or to others. You start to ask yourself where did I go wrong, what should I have done differently?

That evening my mother came to our house to help us calm her down. I called the after-hour number to her doctor to explain to them what had happened and asked for their advice. I explained how she has been out of control many times before, but this was different, this was a rage over a simple conversation with my husband about school. The doctor on call that evening gave us a few options, call the police, take her to the hospital or wait until the morning and bring her in to see her primary doctor for evaluation. At this time, she was calm, my mother was staying the night to help with her and the other kids and so we decided to wait until the morning.

I called her primary doctor as soon as they opened, he got us in immediately! He asked her what had happened, and very calmly she explained that she just got mad and nudged me. She explained that she didn’t want to talk about school with her father anymore and she didn’t understand what the big deal was.

As he had my wrist x-rayed, he continued to talk with my daughter. He had her wait in the lobby as he was going over the x-ray with me. He explained how my daughter didn’t understand why we couldn’t all just move on from this. This emotionless response concerned him as well as the on-hand therapist. He suggested that we admit her into the behavioral hospital for evaluation for at least a week. My husband and I agreed, although that was one of the hardest parenting decisions, we have had to make we knew it was for the best.

Having to take the sting out of her shoes, pants, and hoodie is so surreal, I don’t wish that feeling on any parent. Our daughter didn’t seem to care either way though, she wasn’t sad, mad, regretful, nothing, no emotion.

Only one of us could go to the facility with her due to covid, so my husband took her the 45 mins to the facility her doctor suggested. Not knowing much about where your child is no matter how bad it gets and how much you know it’s the right thing is not something any parent should ever feel. So many thoughts ran through my head. What if she doesn’t eat, what if she can’t sleep, what if she is cold, or if she gets sick or hurt, what if the other kids are mean or the nurses don’t pay attention to her. All these emotions yet I knew she needed help and as much as I have tried, nothing we do is working.

Its exhausting, and I am her person.

-RAD Mama

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